Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Weirdly Wednesday.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.