Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
You Might Also Like
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts