Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Ugh
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”