Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
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I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.