[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
i will avenge u mr van gogh
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
They did not miss in the small print
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…