Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
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I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’