Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what