i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
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Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
lmao
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
A collection of me turning into random objects.