Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
You Might Also Like
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’