Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
You Might Also Like
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.