It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
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[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?