The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there