*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
You Might Also Like
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I need a headline like this
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE