DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
A man of commitment.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.