When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
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Jogging has never helped my memory.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Spider-cat: No One Home
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.