Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
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*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.