[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
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Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Found my door mat
Who.
Did.
This?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?