Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon