Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain