What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
You Might Also Like
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*