[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
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I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.