Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
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Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
*aggressively waits in line*
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.