If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…