“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
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Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Scream sneezers need love too.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Hank is one in a melon.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?