No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
You Might Also Like
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.