I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
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*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
New mindset, who dis?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look