#gardening
You Might Also Like
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
This is sending me to another galaxy
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards