the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
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Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*jazz hands*
This is always good for a laugh.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.