[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
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I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made