There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
You Might Also Like
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Just this preview of the story is enough
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Oh. My. God.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*