I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
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yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.