The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
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My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.