me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
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I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.