You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
LOOOOOOL
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
real
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there