911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
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My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I’m going to need a moment here.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.