My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
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If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.