i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Okay, I’m still confused…
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?