My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.