EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
socratic questions
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
How I like cutting carbs
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science