I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
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Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
We need to put an American base on the sun
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
God has abandoned us.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad