Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Bro what is this
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”