When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I get distracted pretty eas
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.