Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
The Joker was right
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.