COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
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Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers