me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
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Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
This is not me but this is me
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.