Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
#catsoftwitter
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole