My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
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Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
the greatest twitter interaction
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey