Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
You Might Also Like
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.