What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David