I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*